The Phrases from My Parent That Saved Us when I became a New Dad

"In my view I was merely just surviving for twelve months."

Former reality TV star Ryan Libbey thought he would to cope with the demands of being a father.

But the reality quickly became "utterly different" to what he pictured.

Serious health problems around the birth saw his partner Louise hospitalised. Suddenly he was pushed into becoming her chief support in addition to looking after their newborn son Leo.

"I took on each nighttime feed, every change… every stroll. The duty of mother and father," Ryan shared.

After nearly a year he burnt out. It was a talk with his father, on a public seat, that made him realise he couldn't do it alone.

The straightforward words "You are not in a good spot. You need support. How can I assist you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, look for assistance and find a way back.

His experience is not uncommon, but rarely discussed. Although people is now more comfortable talking about the strain on moms and about postpartum depression, less is said about the struggles new fathers go through.

'It's not weak to request support'

Ryan believes his struggles are symptomatic of a wider inability to talk among men, who continue to absorb damaging notions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just takes the pounding and doesn't fall every time."

"It isn't a display of weakness to ask for help. I failed to do that fast enough," he clarifies.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a expert specialising in mental health surrounding childbirth, says men often don't want to admit they're struggling.

They can think they are "not justified to be requesting help" - especially ahead of a mum and baby - but she highlights their mental health is vitally important to the unit.

Ryan's conversation with his dad provided him with the space to request a break - going on a couple of days away, separate from the family home, to gain perspective.

He understood he required a shift to consider his and his partner's emotional states alongside the day-to-day duties of caring for a infant.

When he was honest with Louise, he saw he'd missed "what she was yearning" -reassuring touch and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That realisation has reshaped how Ryan perceives fatherhood.

He's now composing Leo weekly letters about his feelings as a dad, which he hopes his son will look at as he grows up.

Ryan believes these will assist his son to more fully comprehend the expression of feelings and understand his decisions as a father.

The notion of "parenting yourself" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

As a child Stephen did not have stable male a father figure. Despite having an "wonderful" connection with his dad, deep-held difficult experiences caused his father found it hard to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, affecting their bond.

Stephen says bottling up emotions led him to make "terrible choices" when younger to modify how he felt, turning in substance use as escapism from the anguish.

"You find your way to substances that aren't helpful," he says. "They may temporarily change how you feel, but they will ultimately make things worse."

Strategies for Getting By as a New Dad

• Open up to someone - when you are overwhelmed, tell a trusted person, your spouse or a counsellor about your state of mind. This can to ease the pressure and make you feel more supported.
• Maintain your passions - make time for the activities that helped you to feel like the person you were before having a baby. Examples include going for a run, socialising or playing video games.
• Don't ignore the body - a good diet, getting some exercise and where possible, sleep, all contribute in how your emotional health is doing.
• Meet other new dads - hearing about their experiences, the messy ones, along with the joys, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Remember that asking for help does not mean you've failed - taking care of yourself is the most effective way you can support your household.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen understandably found it hard to accept the passing, having had no contact with him for years.

As a dad now, Stephen's determined not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his boy and instead offer the safety and emotional guidance he lacked.

When his son starts to have a tantrum, for example, they practise "releasing the emotion" together - expressing the emotions safely.

Both Ryan and Stephen say they have become more balanced, healthier men due to the fact that they faced their pain, altered how they talk, and learned to manage themselves for their kids.

"I am now more capable of… sitting with things and managing things," says Stephen.

"I expressed that in a note to Leo recently," Ryan shares. "I wrote, at times I believe my role is to instruct and tell you on life, but actually, it's a dialogue. I am understanding just as much as you are through this experience."